An Inclusive Guide for Presence & Pleasure: Mindful Masturbation

What is mindful masturbation?

Mindfulness is:

The ability to be fully present, and it’s hard. Wandering thoughts come up and we can observe them and return to our breath and our senses; to explore them with curiosity.

Masturbation is:

The act of self-touch, and it’s hard. Pleasure can be present but it also may be distant; masturbating might also bring us closer to shame, guilt, pain, grief, and boredom at times.

‘Mindful masturbation’ is masturbation with presence, care, intention and connection to the self. Many of us live in our heads, constantly thinking even during self-touch. Mindfulness masturbation asks us to inhabit our bodies for all they are. It asks us to reclaim our connection to ourselves and to be embodied, it asks us to feel our erotic touch as a place of pleasure. This in itself, is radical.

Why does it matter?

Self-care is Radical

In a world that profits from our productivity and exhaustion, caring for yourself and spending time on yourself is an act of resistance.

Nervous System Regulation

Slowing down isn't laziness — it's your nervous system finally getting what it needs. Healing happens in a regulated nervous system.

Body Literacy

Your body is always talking, but are you listening? Learning your body is about more than knowing your pain and hunger, it’s about pleasures, desires, wants, and needs.

Body Advocacy

When we can understand our bodies’ cues we can advocate for ourselves more fully and tell our partners what we want, what brings us pleasure, and what doesn’t.

How do you masturbate mindfully?

Set the Scene

Set your space in advance for more ease and relaxation. Consider all you might want and need, like toys, lube, music, a towel or two for fluids, wipes for hands, water to hydrate and a journal or art supplies for after.

Get Grounded

Approach with compassionate calming energy and don’t just rush in. It’s time to let go of any goal-orientation or expectations about what’s going to happen, set a clear intention for why you're practicing and what you hope to call in, let go of, feel, etc. This is how you begin.

Create Ritual: Beginning

Like any ritual, there is a beginning. The beginning can offer intentionality, habit formation and energy shifting. This can look like creating an environment to support mindful masturbation; light a candle, put on some music, lay out your lubes or toys, or lotion your body. It can also be as simple as taking a few breaths.

Create Ritual: Middle

Like any ritual, there is a middle. This is your time to explore with curiosity, allow yourself to be surprised by what you find... this could be erotic zones you didn’t know you had, senses you notice yourself gravitative toward, or simply the feel of your genitals on your finger tips. It is natural for your mind to wander, when it does offer yourself compassion, allow the thoughts to drift away and recenter your attention.

Create Ritual: End

Like any ritual, there is an end. The end signifies the closing of the container, the closing of this experience and an honoring of the ritual. You might take some deep breaths, offer yourself some aftercare, journal, or reflect on your experience.

Practical Tips

Body Hygiene

There is nothing dirty about our bodies or the fluids they naturally produce. A shower, wipes, or towels are not required for mindful masturbation. If a shower, wipes or towels support your ability to access presense that is okay too.

Starting Self Touch

For many of us, and especially folks with responsive desire, straight to the genitals may not be appealing. Many bodies respond well to being touched along their periphery first (arms, legs, shoulders) and having the contact and touch move gradually more toward the center (belly, breasts, genitals). This is a great way to be with your whole self, not just your genitals.

Toy Cleaning

All sex toys require care, some more than others. Most toys can be washed in warm water with a gentle soap or you can purchase toy cleaners. Glass and metal toys are safe to boil. If easier clean up is appealing consider using condoms on toys. Any toys used anally should not be reintroduced to a vulva without proper cleaning as it introduces bacteria.

Lube

Lube has been shown to increase pleasure by reducing friction, even if you’re naturally lubricated it doesn’t hurt to add more! Water based lubes are the most versatile as they can be used with any toy but may need to be reapplied often. Silicone based lubes are longer lasting but can not be used with silicone toys. Oil based is great for sensitive skin but is hard to wash off, may stain sheets and can not be used with latex. I suggest avoiding flavored lubes as they contain sugars which increases likelihood of a yeast infection.

Time

For best results give yourself the space to practice this frequently and intentionally, whether its 15 minutes or 3 hours, commit to it. My suggestion would be giving yourself an hour for this ritual.

A Note on Trauma & Body Image

Trauma is real and it lives in our bodies. If parts of you feel activated, be curious, is this discomfort growing pains or are you stretching yourself too far, being unsafe and uncomfortable are two different things. Honor the answer and and seek support if needed. This exercise can be particularly daunting to folks who already have a complicated relationship with their body. Being asked to tune-in and touch the body intimately can feel like a stretch in itself, go at your own pace. I might suggest starting with running your fingers along your arms or placing a hand over your heart, tune in to the beating. Honor your pace and seek support if needed.